It's been a long six months.
But I persevered. It was difficult from the very beginning. I met with a lactation consultant the day after Lewis was born. She taught me the basics of breastfeeding, gave me some pamphlets, and sent me on my way. I was timing how long each session was (30-45 minutes from start to finish). Lewis struggled to stay awake while nursing and she assured me that this was normal. We just needed to take off his onesie and tickle his feet as he fed.
The struggle continued. My parents came into town to help Spencer and I transition into parenthood. We noticed that Lewis struggled to burp. A lot. My Dad was considered the "burp master" and even he couldn't get him to burp. We woke him up every 3-4 hours during the night to feed as Lewis struggled to get back to his birth weight (babies lose 10-15% of their weight after they're born). This was hard on Spencer and me. I had a hard recovery ahead of me with my second-degree tear and three other tears, so he did most of the leg work. We were blessed that he got 8 weeks of paid paternity leave. We unswaddled him, took off his sleeper, and tried to get him to eat on one side. Then we tried to get him to burp. Over and over. And over and over. And over. Then he switched to the other side, repeat. Sometimes we were up for over an hour and a half. Then I struggled to fall back asleep.
To add more fuel to the fire, Lewis developed thrush at ten days old. My heart sank - no dropped, to the floor. Breastfeeding hurt even more. I wanted to throw in the towel so bad, but I persisted. I wanted to make it to one year so bad! If not, at least 6 months. I read online that it's possible that babies who get thrush could have a lip/tongue tie. We went to our pediatrician office to get medication for both of us. As she was inspecting Lewis's thrush I asked if he had a lip tie. She checked him and said that he was fine. Spencer and I both thought something was wrong, but I wasn't going to question our pediatrician.
Nystatin (the orally ingested thrush medication prescribed for him) created another, worse hurdle for us to overcome: acid reflux. Lewis did not take well to it and he began to spit up on everything even more. On Spencer, on me, in our bed, in his crib. Google was my handy dandy best friend so we learned to keep him upright for 15-20 minutes before putting him back down to sleep. I remember getting as little as one hour and 9 minutes before having to get him up again in the middle of the night. Those two weeks of him getting back up to birth weight plus the extra week of us both getting over thrush were HARD. But the acid reflux continued. He lived in sleepers for the first 2-3 months of his life as he kept spitting up on his clothes (and us) over and over again. We didn't want to take the time to pull a onesie over his head five times a day when we could just zip him up in a sleeper. There would be days where I would say, "It has been x days since he has last projectile vomited on me." I celebrated when he had gone more than two days sincevomiting.
The acid reflux didn't improve after we put him on acid reflux medication. It just continued. But we were told that reflux was normal when it came to newborns and that he'd grow out of it. I hated trying to burp Lewis on my shoulder. I wasn't getting anything out of him and it seemed pointless. Spencer would try and he seemed to do better at it. I even googled how to burp a difficult newborn and tried all of the methods that I read. There wasn't much relief found in those plethoras of Google pages. Sometimes they worked, but mostly they were a fruitless effort. I'm not exaggerating where I remember when Spencer was gone doing errands and I was trying to burp Lewis for ONE SOLID HOUR and I couldn't get anything out. The problem was, Lewis was incapable of continuing to feed if he had trapped air in his stomach. But I knew he was hungry, and I didn't want to starve my own child.
After my six week postpartum check-up, I went to see the lactation consultant because I was so lost. Lewis was spitting up so much milk, I was wondering if I was overfeeding him. I fire hosed her with a bunch of questions and all she did was check to make sure he was latching well. He ended up feeding perfectly for her (which never happens). She gave me some tips and sent me on my way. I remember she told me to never unlatch him because he'd do that when he was ready. Except why did he keep unlatching over and over again? Ironically enough, Lewis did manage to spit up all over her office before we left.
Not even two months after Lewis was born, he was diagnosed with cows milk protein allergy. I've been lactose intolerant since 2013-2014, and I was officially diagnosed in 2015. God was preparing me for his allergy, I couldn't give up breastfeeding now! Things started to make sense. The acid reflux medication wasn't helping because he was projectile vomiting from me consuming dairy. He wasn't burping as well because of his allergy. Soon after I went completely dairy-free, things were starting to look up. Things started to make more sense. His acid reflux started to improve the longer I went dairy-free. He was also easier to burp once he no longer had dairy in his system, and his gut was healing from the dairy. I finally had something to blame for my troubles and difficulties.
Unfortunately, though we saw some improvement, Lewis still didn't get back to normal. I accidentally consumed dairy through cross-contamination at Wendy's, Red Robin, and he consumed it through his oral vaccinations. Lewis would take a really long time to eat whenever he was awake, and I would always make the excuse of his dairy allergy, reflux, teething, or starting solids being the reason.
Within the last three weeks, there were a few turning points that finally made me think that enough was enough.
First, Lewis has been sitting upright. He understands that he can burp himself. This is a good and bad thing. When I put him on my shoulder to pat his back, I have about a 10% success rate when it comes to getting a burp out of him. This led to me just waiting for him to burp himself. If I got impatient and tried to feed him, he would have trapped air in his stomach and he would spit up all over me.
Second, I asked one of my Facebook Mom groups if anyone had any problems with their baby burping if they had gotten 'dairyed'. Since I thought that he was easier to burp when we were dairy-free, and harder to burp when his digestive system was damaged. Bless this Mom, but she asked if his latch was good, as he would be inhaling excessive air if it was bad. That resulted in me trying to make sure he was latching well for about a week. Well, that didn't really work so well.
Third, I was seeing everywhere that one is supposed to introduce solids one hour after a feed. I was confused. How am I supposed to introduce solids when on average takes me over an hour to make sure Lewis is eating enough? Sometimes it would take the entire wake window to try and get him to burp and he wouldn't. He was only awake on average for 2 hours. Something must not be right here.
An example of a feed:
10:07 a.m. 1 minute (this could be anywhere from 1:01 to 1:59)
10:08 11 seconds
10:19 19 seconds
10:30 27 seconds
10:31 6 seconds
10:32 14 seconds
10:33 4 seconds
10:40 1 minute
10:42 1 minute
10:53 4 seconds
I tried again later...
11:16 13 seconds
11:18 5 seconds
...and again.
11:42 3 minutes
11:46 5 seconds
11:46 5 seconds
11:57 56 seconds
11:58 11 seconds
11:59 8 seconds
12:00 25 seconds
I know what you're thinking, "Emily, why are you forcing Lewis to eat when it's obvious that he's not hungry?" Well, I've been tracking how much he eats for his entire life. I've noticed that if he eats any less than 9-11 minutes in between naps, he's hungry right before he goes down for a nap and whines. (This number also goes down the older he gets as he gets more efficient.) If I gave up and try to put him down for a nap before 9 minutes, he would cry until I get him up and feed him. This pushed his nap back, he got overtired and didn't sleep well. Time and time again.
Lastly, as Lewis got older, becoming more aware, I noticed him getting really frustrated that he couldn't eat like he wanted. He got really cranky, and my frustration fed off of his. I started to do some research and saw the Lip and Tongue Tip Support Facebook Group. I joined it and started to read through all of the posts. That's when I realized, "Spencer and I were right all along, he has a lip tie!" A wave of relief went over my body - to the point of tears. I finally knew the missing piece to the puzzle. His lip tie has been causing him to swallow excessive air, his difficulty to burp, and his bad reflux. I remember seeing Moms nurse with a cover not having to fight to get their baby to eat, and realized that is how it's supposed to be.
On the 17th of July, we took Lewis to a pediatric dentist and confirmed he had lip and tongue ties. We got those ties released on the same day and started on the road to recovery. Lewis had to learn how to feed all over again, using different muscles. If we had gotten this done when we originally suspected lip tie at two weeks, I wouldn't have had to go through so much pain. Lewis would have only had to forget two weeks of experience instead of 6 1/2 months. While it wasn't a fix overnight, Lewis is improving and I'm not spending 6+ hours a day trying to feed him anymore. Lewis did not begin eating correctly until he was over 6 months old. Spencer did the math. I spent an extra 1,000 hours trying to feed/burp Lewis because of his lip and tongue tie. 1,000 hours of patience, frustration, love, and heartache.
Since Lewis was on my shoulder for so long day after day trying to get those impossible burps out, I had to resort to bi-weekly chiropractic adjustments since Lewis was 2 1/2 months old. At the end of April, I started to go to physical therapy bi-weekly as my body was breaking. It literally hurt to pick up Lewis from his swing, his crib, or even off the ground. I felt hopeless and depressed, thinking I was an incapable mother who couldn't even care for her own child. Spencer had to help me in everything that I did. While COVID-19 has been an awful and scary experience, I am so grateful that Spencer has been working from home because of it. Since if he hadn't, I would have injured my weakened body even more.
I didn't think motherhood was supposed to be this hard. We didn't understand everyone who was telling me that "this" was "normal" when we most definitely didn't think it was. We believe that everyone should take first-time parents more seriously. But, I have learned a lot from these last six months. God has put all of these trials in my path and I am shocked to know how far I can stretch and grow. I didn't know I had all of this patience when it came to breastfeeding. As I was reading more about lip ties, the majority of moms who were unaware of their baby having a lip tie switch to formula after struggling for up to 1-2 months. I don't blame any of those moms for doing what they had to do, because it's been hard. But I am so glad that we finally figured out the main reason why I've been struggling these past six months. I'm glad that I didn't quit.
I "graduated" from physical therapy today. It has been a long, fulfilling three months. I no longer feel hopeless, depressed, or incapable as a Mom. I feel stronger, full of hope for the future, and that I can handle being a mom. It's been a long journey as I've progressed in being independent and taking care of Lewis by myself. But for Lewis, I would go through anything. Here's to the next six months.
