For The Moms Who Think Breastfeeding Shouldn't Be This Hard (An Update of my Life)

It's been a long six months.

But I persevered. It was difficult from the very beginning. I met with a lactation consultant the day after Lewis was born. She taught me the basics of breastfeeding, gave me some pamphlets, and sent me on my way. I was timing how long each session was (30-45 minutes from start to finish). Lewis struggled to stay awake while nursing and she assured me that this was normal. We just needed to take off his onesie and tickle his feet as he fed.

The struggle continued. My parents came into town to help Spencer and I transition into parenthood. We noticed that Lewis struggled to burp. A lot. My Dad was considered the "burp master" and even he couldn't get him to burp. We woke him up every 3-4 hours during the night to feed as Lewis struggled to get back to his birth weight (babies lose 10-15% of their weight after they're born). This was hard on Spencer and me.  I had a hard recovery ahead of me with my second-degree tear and three other tears, so he did most of the leg work. We were blessed that he got 8 weeks of paid paternity leave. We unswaddled him, took off his sleeper, and tried to get him to eat on one side. Then we tried to get him to burp. Over and over. And over and over. And over. Then he switched to the other side, repeat. Sometimes we were up for over an hour and a half. Then I struggled to fall back asleep.

To add more fuel to the fire, Lewis developed thrush at ten days old. My heart sank - no dropped, to the floor. Breastfeeding hurt even more. I wanted to throw in the towel so bad, but I persisted. I wanted to make it to one year so bad! If not, at least 6 months. I read online that it's possible that babies who get thrush could have a lip/tongue tie. We went to our pediatrician office to get medication for both of us. As she was inspecting Lewis's thrush I asked if he had a lip tie. She checked him and said that he was fine. Spencer and I both thought something was wrong, but I wasn't going to question our pediatrician.

Nystatin (the orally ingested thrush medication prescribed for him) created another, worse hurdle for us to overcome: acid reflux. Lewis did not take well to it and he began to spit up on everything even more. On Spencer, on me, in our bed, in his crib. Google was my handy dandy best friend so we learned to keep him upright for 15-20 minutes before putting him back down to sleep. I remember getting as little as one hour and 9 minutes before having to get him up again in the middle of the night. Those two weeks of him getting back up to birth weight plus the extra week of us both getting over thrush were HARD. But the acid reflux continued. He lived in sleepers for the first 2-3 months of his life as he kept spitting up on his clothes (and us) over and over again. We didn't want to take the time to pull a onesie over his head five times a day when we could just zip him up in a sleeper. There would be days where I would say, "It has been x days since he has last projectile vomited on me." I celebrated when he had gone more than two days sincevomiting.

The acid reflux didn't improve after we put him on acid reflux medication. It just continued. But we were told that reflux was normal when it came to newborns and that he'd grow out of it. I hated trying to burp Lewis on my shoulder. I wasn't getting anything out of him and it seemed pointless. Spencer would try and he seemed to do better at it. I even googled how to burp a difficult newborn and tried all of the methods that I read. There wasn't much relief found in those plethoras of Google pages. Sometimes they worked, but mostly they were a fruitless effort. I'm not exaggerating where I remember when Spencer was gone doing errands and I was trying to burp Lewis for ONE SOLID HOUR and I couldn't get anything out. The problem was, Lewis was incapable of continuing to feed if he had trapped air in his stomach. But I knew he was hungry, and I didn't want to starve my own child.

After my six week postpartum check-up, I went to see the lactation consultant because I was so lost. Lewis was spitting up so much milk, I was wondering if I was overfeeding him. I fire hosed her with a bunch of questions and all she did was check to make sure he was latching well. He ended up feeding perfectly for her (which never happens). She gave me some tips and sent me on my way. I remember she told me to never unlatch him because he'd do that when he was ready. Except why did he keep unlatching over and over again? Ironically enough, Lewis did manage to spit up all over her office before we left.

Not even two months after Lewis was born, he was diagnosed with cows milk protein allergy. I've been lactose intolerant since 2013-2014, and I was officially diagnosed in 2015. God was preparing me for his allergy, I couldn't give up breastfeeding now! Things started to make sense. The acid reflux medication wasn't helping because he was projectile vomiting from me consuming dairy. He wasn't burping as well because of his allergy. Soon after I went completely dairy-free, things were starting to look up. Things started to make more sense. His acid reflux started to improve the longer I went dairy-free. He was also easier to burp once he no longer had dairy in his system, and his gut was healing from the dairy. I finally had something to blame for my troubles and difficulties.

Unfortunately, though we saw some improvement, Lewis still didn't get back to normal. I accidentally consumed dairy through cross-contamination at Wendy's, Red Robin, and he consumed it through his oral vaccinations. Lewis would take a really long time to eat whenever he was awake, and I would always make the excuse of his dairy allergy, reflux, teething, or starting solids being the reason.

Within the last three weeks, there were a few turning points that finally made me think that enough was enough.

First, Lewis has been sitting upright. He understands that he can burp himself. This is a good and bad thing. When I put him on my shoulder to pat his back, I have about a 10% success rate when it comes to getting a burp out of him. This led to me just waiting for him to burp himself. If I got impatient and tried to feed him, he would have trapped air in his stomach and he would spit up all over me. 

Second, I asked one of my Facebook Mom groups if anyone had any problems with their baby burping if they had gotten 'dairyed'. Since I thought that he was easier to burp when we were dairy-free, and harder to burp when his digestive system was damaged. Bless this Mom, but she asked if his latch was good, as he would be inhaling excessive air if it was bad. That resulted in me trying to make sure he was latching well for about a week. Well, that didn't really work so well.

Third, I was seeing everywhere that one is supposed to introduce solids one hour after a feed. I was confused. How am I supposed to introduce solids when on average takes me over an hour to make sure Lewis is eating enough? Sometimes it would take the entire wake window to try and get him to burp and he wouldn't. He was only awake on average for 2 hours. Something must not be right here.

An example of a feed:

10:07 a.m. 1 minute (this could be anywhere from 1:01 to 1:59)

10:08 11 seconds

10:19 19 seconds

10:30 27 seconds

10:31 6 seconds

10:32 14 seconds

10:33 4 seconds

10:40 1 minute

10:42 1 minute

10:53 4 seconds

I tried again later...

11:16 13 seconds

11:18 5 seconds

...and again.

11:42 3 minutes

11:46 5 seconds

11:46 5 seconds

11:57 56 seconds

11:58 11 seconds

11:59 8 seconds

12:00 25 seconds

I know what you're thinking, "Emily, why are you forcing Lewis to eat when it's obvious that he's not hungry?" Well, I've been tracking how much he eats for his entire life. I've noticed that if he eats any less than 9-11 minutes in between naps, he's hungry right before he goes down for a nap and whines. (This number also goes down the older he gets as he gets more efficient.) If I gave up and try to put him down for a nap before 9 minutes, he would cry until I get him up and feed him. This pushed his nap back, he got overtired and didn't sleep well. Time and time again. 

Lastly, as Lewis got older, becoming more aware, I noticed him getting really frustrated that he couldn't eat like he wanted. He got really cranky, and my frustration fed off of his. I started to do some research and saw the Lip and Tongue Tip Support Facebook Group. I joined it and started to read through all of the posts. That's when I realized, "Spencer and I were right all along, he has a lip tie!" A wave of relief went over my body - to the point of tears. I finally knew the missing piece to the puzzle. His lip tie has been causing him to swallow excessive air, his difficulty to burp, and his bad reflux. I remember seeing Moms nurse with a cover not having to fight to get their baby to eat, and realized that is how it's supposed to be.

On the 17th of July, we took Lewis to a pediatric dentist and confirmed he had lip and tongue ties. We got those ties released on the same day and started on the road to recovery. Lewis had to learn how to feed all over again, using different muscles. If we had gotten this done when we originally suspected lip tie at two weeks, I wouldn't have had to go through so much pain. Lewis would have only had to forget two weeks of experience instead of 6 1/2 months.  While it wasn't a fix overnight, Lewis is improving and I'm not spending 6+ hours a day trying to feed him anymore. Lewis did not begin eating correctly until he was over 6 months old. Spencer did the math. I spent an extra 1,000 hours trying to feed/burp Lewis because of his lip and tongue tie. 1,000 hours of patience, frustration, love, and heartache.

Since Lewis was on my shoulder for so long day after day trying to get those impossible burps out, I had to resort to bi-weekly chiropractic adjustments since Lewis was 2 1/2 months old. At the end of April, I started to go to physical therapy bi-weekly as my body was breaking. It literally hurt to pick up Lewis from his swing, his crib, or even off the ground. I felt hopeless and depressed, thinking I was an incapable mother who couldn't even care for her own child. Spencer had to help me in everything that I did. While COVID-19 has been an awful and scary experience, I am so grateful that Spencer has been working from home because of it. Since if he hadn't, I would have injured my weakened body even more. 

 

I didn't think motherhood was supposed to be this hard. We didn't understand everyone who was telling me that "this" was "normal" when we most definitely didn't think it was. We believe that everyone should take first-time parents more seriously. But, I have learned a lot from these last six months. God has put all of these trials in my path and I am shocked to know how far I can stretch and grow. I didn't know I had all of this patience when it came to breastfeeding. As I was reading more about lip ties, the majority of moms who were unaware of their baby having a lip tie switch to formula after struggling for up to 1-2 months. I don't blame any of those moms for doing what they had to do, because it's been hard. But I am so glad that we finally figured out the main reason why I've been struggling these past six months. I'm glad that I didn't quit.

I "graduated" from physical therapy today. It has been a long, fulfilling three months. I no longer feel hopeless, depressed, or incapable as a Mom. I feel stronger, full of hope for the future, and that I can handle being a mom. It's been a long journey as I've progressed in being independent and taking care of Lewis by myself. But for Lewis, I would go through anything. Here's to the next six months.

What's in a Name?

It's been exactly three years since a very important milestone happened to me. It all started Fall semester in 2016 where I took my first family history-genealogy class at BYU.

We had to search through our family tree to  for our semester project. I came across this infant who didn't have a first name or a gender. All I knew was the infant's last name- Potter.

I saw my cousin, Chelsie who had found the gravestone of his birth and death in 1893, along with the child's parents names. She searched diligently, but couldn't find Potter's name or gender. We both felt like he was a boy, but had no record of it.

I searched countless microfilm church records in Omaha, Nebraska in hopes of finding a christening record, but no luck. I felt defeated, but Potter always came to the front of my mind as I did family history each time. I knew that he desperately wanted to be together with his family. There would be random times throughout the week where I would hear a voice pop into my mind pleading, "Don't forget about me!" I vowed that I wouldn't.

The semester came and went with no progress. During the next semester, I was reminded the census records sometimes show the street where families lived. Unfortunately, the 1890 U.S. census was burned. Therefore, I had to rely on the 1900 U.S. census instead. I prayed that the parents hadn't moved in those 7 years after his birth.

I was in luck! I found out where the parents lived, and started to search for churches that were established before 1893 and within a one mile radius of where the Potters lived. There was one particular Catholic church that fit those two requirements. I emailed them with the information that I had, and patiently waited.

By the time I had given up on the search a couple months later, I received an email from them when I was in one of my history classes. I read the email explaining that they had found a record of a boy named Lewis Potter, the ancestor that I had been looking for. There was a burst of joy inside my heart, and I wanted to shout it to the world! Unfortunately, due to being in class I was unable to.

A couple days later on 16 February 2017, Spencer, Chelsie, her husband Dylan, and I went to the temple to seal Lewis to his parents- Michael and Viola. The feeling that we had in that room was so indescribable- full of love and happiness. I hadn't felt that much joy since I was sealed to Spencer. I felt the Potter's witnessing their son to be sealed to them forever. I couldn't hold back the tears because I could feel the immense joy of this family. I knew that Lewis Potter was so grateful for all the hard work and effort I had put into finding him.

This experience made me decide to change my major to family history that same evening. Lewis Potter is a kindred spirit. He left such a big impact on our lives, Spencer suggested the name the day we found out we were having a boy. I hadn't even thought of Lewis as an option, but it felt like a good way to commemorate my ancestors. I can't wait to meet him in the spirit world. I bet my son had already met him before he came to this world.

And that's why I to graduated in Family History-Genealogy. To bring together families and create joy. Without this experience, I'm not sure Spencer and I would have agreed on a name together. But thankfully this experience also led us to name our son Lewis Wesley Hoffman, after Lewis Potter. We couldn't have come up with a better name for him!

Our New Beginning

On January 6th, I had my 39 week check up. A check up I never thought I'd go to since none of my sisters have made it past 38 weeks and 4 days with any of their pregnancies. I even told my OB that I didn't think I'd make it and I think she agreed with me. I predicted that Lewis would be born on January 3rd, but that day came and went. Spencer and I were trying to naturally induce labor by going on walks, eating spicy food, bouncing up and down on a rickety playground bridge, the works! 

At my 39 week appointment, she checked and said that I was dilated to a 5, and fully effaced. I told her that I desperately wanted to be induced, and we were even ready to go downstairs to start the induction after the appointment. Originally she mentioned Thursday, but we ended up planning for Tuesday, January 7th. The 7th sounds like a good day for a birthday! We were told to call Labor and Delivery at 6 am to see when we should go in. 

Although I took melatonin before bed, I only managed to get 3 hours of sleep. I couldn't get comfortable as my body was aching all over, unable to find a comfortable sleeping position for more than 5 minutes. Spencer tried his best to help me fall asleep, but Lewis kept moving around that kept me up. He was having a dance party because he knew he was being born soon! From 5-6 am, I was up because he had the hiccups the entire time, moving my stomach around.

I checked the clock at 5:58 and I accepted the fact that that was all the sleep I was going to get. I didn't dare to check my Fitbit to see how much sleep I got since I knew I had a long day ahead of me. I called Labor and Delivery and they told us to be there at 7:45 am. Spencer made us waffles as I was supposed to have a light breakfast.

In the car, I called them again and apologized for being late, but that we were going to get there at 8 am. They laughed and said not to worry, and that they’ll be expecting us. We got there and had to do a ton of paperwork. I got into my gown and they started to hook me up to a bunch of machines. One for my contractions and one for Lewis’s heart rate. They also took my blood so they could compare my blood levels post labor.

Shortly after being hooked up I was told that I just had a contraction. I soon learned that I was naturally having contractions 7 minutes apart. I was confused since I didn’t feel like I was having contractions. I was so used to Lewis kicking me so much, I just thought those moments of discomfort were him moving around. So if I had waited for 24-48 more hours, I could have had him naturally and it could have been pretty bad. I may have had him in the car since I could not tell what the contractions felt like. I feel really lucky that I decided to be induced even if it seemed a little silly with how far along I was. I had two really intense contractions the Saturday previous, so that’s what I was looking for when it comes to timing contractions. Looking back, my OB told me that if I was having contractions 7-8 minutes apart for 30-45 minutes, lasting 30-45 seconds, I should come to the hospital right away. I don't think I was having them for that long, but it seemed like I was going to have Lewis with or without the induction soon!

I was pretty worried about getting my IV, since having a tube in me constantly was pretty nerve wracking. But we had a really good nurse named Jen and she did a stellar job. She told me that she was going to inject some numbing fluid so it wouldn’t hurt as bad. I thought the IV was more like a 2 out of 10. But I really didn’t like looking at the IV so I hid it. It was around 9 am by the time it was in. So. Much. Fluid.

After that, they checked to see how far along I was, and I was still dilated to 5 cm. They needed to see how far away I was from 10, so being halfway wasn't too shabby! The Pitocin was placed in my IV around 9:30 am. I was pretty bored most of the time while I was slowly learning what a contraction felt like. It was interesting since I could feel them coming before the monitor showed it appearing like mountains. I never realized how slowly this part of the induction takes.

(The timing on everything gets all blurry from here. I just know the epidural and getting my waters broken was an hour apart.)

I got my epidural around 1? pm, and honesty it was NOT that bad. The anesthesiologist was super nice and talked me through everything. I was slouched over a table on the side of the bed while he numbed me up real good. I was very still, and I’m pretty proud of myself since people kept saying how big of a needle it is. Good thing I didn’t see it! That probably would have freaked me out if I did.

When Jen and my OB were getting ready to break my water around 2? pm, they looked at me and said that my water was leaking. I admitted to them that since I was getting so much fluid from the IVs, I just thought it was urine! I still don’t know if my waters started to break because of the cervix check at the very beginning, or if it was honest to goodness breaking naturally. They checked to see if I had any progress, and I was now 6 cm dilated. Now, we continued to wait. 

As the contractions got worse, I focused on them more as they were more uncomfortable. I’m not entirely sure how long after my water broke before I needed to get a second dosage of my epidural. I had two particularly awful contractions that brought me to tears. I was feeling the contraction in my lower back and in the front so I was in a lot of pain. Once the second dose started to kick in, I got really sleepy. They told me to rest on my side and it was great! I didn’t feel any contractions, despite them getting more and more intense. Spencer was watching them on the monitor and I wasn’t stirring at all. The beauty of an epidural. I was hoping I’d get some sleep, but since I was constantly hooked up to a blood pressure monitor that didn’t happen. It continually took my blood pressure every 10 minutes or so. I was completely dilated 7 minutes to 4 pm.

My nurse Jen predicted that Lewis was going to be born around 6 pm. I really hoped that she was wrong because I did not want to wait that long! I was also getting bored of drinking juice and eating jello for my diet. I wanted something else. I was completely

At 4:15 pm was the time to push. Since Lewis was so low, everyone in the room saw his head quickly after the first attempt. I asked Spencer later on about my pushing, and he told me I was progressing toward crowning with each push. Jen told me when to deeply inhale (and hold) and then push for ten seconds during each contraction. Then I'd rest in between each contraction. We did this for a few contractions. I felt like blood veins were popping out of my forehead. I kept getting encouragement that I was doing great. I wasn't sure if they were lying to me or if they meant it. I even said that out loud and they said they were being honest.

Jen told someone to get my OB and she asked Jen if I was crowning. She said no, but that I would be soon. During the next contraction my OB asked to push and I did. She exclaimed, "Wow, you're a good pusher." They got my legs up in this contraption so they were more stable and others didn't have to hold them up. Spencer got into his gown along with everyone else since we planned on him catching Lewis. They started to prep all of the equipment, tables, etc., and to me that felt like FOREVER.

Funnily enough, I really wanted him born at 4:37 (also Spencer's prediction) and saw the clock at 4:35 pm. I thought, "that's not going to happen". He was literally born at 4:37:58 with a little cry as his head appeared. There was a pause, and then the rest of his body came out in the same push. I thought, “That’s it?” It’s AMAZING how epidurals work, since I didn’t feel a THING. (But I now feel everything with this recovery.) I think Spencer started to catch Lewis as his body descended. I'm sure he was super slippery! It was pretty cool that he was able to experience that. I would have felt a little silly if he was holding my hand as I pushed, which was my original idea. Births on TV are so unrealistic...

Lewis was put on my abdomen with a towel around him. I don't remember who cleaned him up, but they did that quickly as I stroked his head and little arms. He was pretty precious looking. :) Lewis held my left thumb as I touched his hand and didn't let go at all until he had to get measured and weighed. I thought it was super sweet as him holding my thumb calmed him down. Someone announced that Lewis' Apgar score was 9/10, only a point off because his hands and feet were a little purple. Another someone (same someone?) mentioned that they've only seen three babies with that score. I guess Lewis is pretty perfect!

We got to do skin to skin for over an hour. I don't remember really much of anything specific post labor other than it was great. :) The placenta was delivered easily, Spencer cut the cord, Lewis fed for the first time, and they had to stitch me up for over 45 minutes. Spencer also did skin to skin and it was happy to see him be an official father for the first time. And that was the start of our new beginning.
Total labor time: 7 hours and 47 minutes